What do you do when an important person to you is not onboard with your dream?

One of the most difficult things I have had to coach people through, is when their spouse is not on board with something they really want to do.

The effects of a spouse not supporting the dream, which is often a person’s calling and purpose, is huge. (Mainly that the person doesn’t end up achieving their dream.)

So, what do we do when our spouse, our boss, our best friend, or a person very close to us and important to us, does not agree with our dream, our vision, our idea, our decision to make a big life change?

Firstly, when we first encounter disagreement we need to evaluate it and make an informed choice as to what we want to do with it.

To what degree do we want to take onboard this negative feedback? If the person who has dished it out is of importance to us it will impact us more and it is important.

We can also consider the ‘weightiness’ of what has been said. Does it contact valuable wisdom? Could the person have wisdom we do not? Is what they have expressed worth considering?

We must also be aware of motives behind what they have expressed. Are the motives pure, or not? If the motives are pure, the weightiness of what has been said is stronger.

Many people that I have coached have given up on something based on some negative responses from people who are not even close or dear to them, and from people who don’t know anything about the topic and cannot offer wisdom that is valuable.

But, when people dear to us respond negatively, especially if the person is our spouse, it’s extremely difficult!

Hopefully this article will give you some ideas on how to navigate this and start to find some levels of alignment and agreement.

Firstly, remember you don’t have to agree with negative feedback. But if the person is your spouse, you will need to consider finding alignment with this person, as a step towards your goal.

That alignment does not have to be perfect, but some alignment will be needed.

When we are seeking alignment with someone that we love, emotions run high and the stakes are high, so invariably it’s a difficult process.

Understanding is key. The steps below can create greater understanding between you both.

Your vision maybe clear to you, but not necessarily to them. They see it from a different perspective. They see aspects that you may or may not have seen.

Our nearest and dearest can therefore be helpful to us as refiners. They can help us see potential pitfalls in our idea.

Before you share your dream to go through any refining, it’s important that you’ve had the freedom and space to fully envision the idea, with someone purely positive. This ideally will be someone that will draw it out without negative input (ideally a co-creative coach). Also, someone that can lead you to connect to God’s input also.

Once the vision has depth and clarity to you it can be shared.

First, are you clear enough about your vision?

1. Can I explain my vision shortly and succinctly with clarity, eg in 2- 5 minutes?
2. To what level have I developed my vision? Does it have ‘arms’ and ‘legs’ yet? Eg, do I know what I want it to look like roughly, in year 1, year 5, year 10 and year 20? Do I know what I want my role to be in it? Do I have a plan as to what I would do to get it started? Eg – resources, practicalities, a timeline?

Next try the steps below to help you and your person see each other’s perspectives clearly.

It can change everything and bring alignment.

STEP 1 – Fully explore fears and concerns

Ask your person to:

Give me a full list of all your concerns in short.

Give me a full list of all your fears.

Ensure you give them the space to bring them all out and don’t respond to any yet.

Self-manage yourself.

If you have a big dream you need to be able to hear objections. You need to be able to hear what kinds of things could go wrong. Use this as feedback for that. What they tell you may help you refine the vision and the plan. It will give you more confidence that you have thought through everything before starting.

Ask questions about these fears and concerns, so you ensure you fully understand them. Be aware of assuming what they mean. Repeat back your understanding of them and check in that you have got that right.

Next, categorise fears and concerns. Ask,

Which of these feel the strongest?

Which ones do you feel are ‘showstoppers’? Which ones do you think should stop me going ahead?

Which are minor? Which do you want to express but you feel shouldn’t stop me doing it?

You may gain some useful wisdom. You will certainly gain understanding about what it is that is bothering them about your dream.

Finally in step 1 ask: Is there anything you would ideally adapt and change about what you know of my vision, which would allay the showstopper fears and concerns?

Thank them for their input.

If you need to take a break and carry on the next steps on another day or time.

STEP 2 – Connect in heart

Explain to them why this vision is very important to you.

Describe to them why it is also important for you to have them onboard.

Tell them how you feel about not doing the dream at all, and how you feel about doing it without them. (E.g., That the dream would not be the very dream that you have because they are not in it)

Invite the person to ask you anything about the vision that they want.

STEP 3 – Connect to Gods perspective

Ask what they think God feels about the dream?

Share with them what He has said to you.

STEP 4 – Address questions and concerns

Ask them if it would be ok for you to address concerns.

Go through lists from Step 1 and ask if you can respond now to ones that you would like to speak to and allay fears on.

Ask if you can go away and think through the other ones that you need time to process and respond at another time.

STEP 5 – Close process with a status check

Ask, what they are feeling now?

Ask, have any fears been allayed and if so which ones?

Share where you are now at. Are you still 100% desiring to do your dream? Gently, talk in short about how and when you would ideally like to do it if it were possible.

Explore what may be possible by asking, what would it take for you to come on board with the dream and be my supporter and with me partner in it?

Some concluding encouragement!

This process may solve a misalignment simply by bringing clarity.

One time someone I was coaching was able to go ahead with a completely new thing which had been dreamt about for years, because once the spouse heard a defined plan, which was something that wasn’t there until it was coached out, she was confident to risk all and get behind her husband. The plan in this case gave the clarity and confidence that was needed.

In other instances when spouses have taken the time to hear the vision and the heart and how important it is to their spouse they have managed to work through the fears and concerns and adapt the vision accordingly.

Using the skills of active listening and coaching through the situation, clarity and new revelation can result in bringing alignment.